So, alright.

[Edited] Didn't realize I had posted about my job already. It's gotten awesome now that I have my normal hours, and don't have to deal with Steve anymore, at least, on a regular basis. Overnight is freakin awesome.

July - Working at Wawa, what happens? An old black lady pins me BY THE KNEES to the back of an SUV. The SUV frees me and breaks the pump. No damage other than bone bruising which means a month of pain. And uh, more of the chronic pain. Fantastic! The structural part of my bad knee is in full health and fully intact, so there's no risk of me losing it anytime soon. In fact, my good knee was hurt worse than my bad one, because the construction of my bad knee is stronger than actual bone (which is COOL.) Started suit for worker's comp. Put a lockable door knob on my door to protect myself from the step-crazy.

August - The woman that hit me was a no-show to her court date. There's a bench warrant out for her arrest. She's not losing her liscense, yet, but she's paying some cash for what she did. And, if arrested, going to jail for a few days. She's lucky I didn't have the right car insurance to go after her for Pain and Suffering (I know, weird, but it's law.)
Step family goes more crazy. Fantastic. The way I see it, at the very least, they hate me. They don't hate my Dad half as much, so he'll still have access to see his grandkids. That's the important part, and I'm willing to take that blow for him.
Oh, also, I got an internship with an old professor of mine! I'll be working at WBGO Smooth Jazz in Newark in Sept. I'm excited, it should be fun.

Sept (what's happening) - Internship starts on the 7th. 3 days a week thereafter. On the 11th and 12th, Lell, Jerry, Jackie, Lou, Monica, Gabe, Tom and I are going on a NY Ren Faire trip overnight. Whoever's welcome to accompany us on the 12th to our day trip to the actual Faire. The 11th is reserved for private hangout with the group at the hotel. Sorry!

More plans? Next year I'm planning to head to Florida to persue my Master's in Game Design at Full Sail university. It's been my dream since I was... young, real young, to work on video games. I tried to get there once before, but was blocked by the parental "you can't afford it". Now they can't stop me. :3 I'm excited.

On a related note - I need to get the fuck out of my house. Yesterday. If anyone's looking for a roomie, or to get out, let me know. I should be getting a promotion at Wawa in Sept, which means more cash, and I can calculate out what I can afford. I want to be out by like, October. But anytime I can would be spectacular, really. This place... Isn't a home anymore. There is a darkness here, a dark and vile presence that makes this place unbearable to live at. And yes, I blame the females (former and current) of the household for bringing it here. My ancestral home has been corrupted, beyond redemption. It tears me up inside. But I know that I will do my best to honor my ancestors, and that should I ever get ownership of this place, I will tear it down and rebuild, making a home built on a foundation of virtues and honor, and most importantly, forgiveness. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. The darkness needs to be destroyed, the spirits that reside here need a new home, somewhere more light and more comfortable. Should this goal be unattainable, my honored ancestors are always welcome in my home, where ever it may be.

Okay. I have a lot to write on, so bear with me.

The day, after I went to work, was good. The instant I walked into the store the manager, Kenny, made me smily. He commented that when I use the broom next to swing it around like a sword, since last time that's what it looked like and it was terribly amusing to them. That really, really made me smile. (And on a side note: I think he's attracted to me. xD Is silly.) I also vented to Emil a tad while he was still there, and he was happy to listen.

The day went on, I got a bit of reading done. Some kids, some puppies, all I say hi to. Actually there was this one set of kids that wanted SO BAD to tell me EVERYTHING. I was happy to sit and listen for a while, look at their legos and cars. One was a girl and one was a boy. The boy was very moderated in his expression, but he was expressing and that was excellent (as compared to the other males that will STARE at you when you wave). The girl, my GOSH. Wanted to talk for hours about her cars and her boo boo on her right side. I was very happy to oblige. Unfortunately, it was over too quick. I handed mom the recipet and waves and said Bye to the kids. The boy waved back, and was happy saying goodbye. The girl was still talking, even as her mother pulled away. xD She got a stern "Moooommm wait!" Note that she was probably... 7. And flirting at me. SOOO adorable. Made my day a lot brighter.

Later, Justin came up to me, another one of the fuel guys, and asked if I would take the rest of his shift from 8 to 11. I obliged him, I need the hours. Took my break, got a sandwich, vented to Kenny a bit about being happy to be at work and about the whole step family out of control situation. He was happy to listen too. (Again, I think he likes me. xD) Ate sammich, talked to co-workers, went back outside. Read. A lot. Warcraft books are crack.

Came back home. Oh, and I left the house with a sword on my belt, and came back in with it. Dad chuckled about it. But he said their threats are all hot air. And I replied that's fine. That's what this is too, hot air. It's a statement. It's war. And hell, if they wind up making steam engines with that hot air, bitch I've got a goddamn sword on my belt! xD

Anyway. Got out of the shower with some inspiration. I want to start a podcast on virtue. And maybe write a book on it. All of the core virtues. I want it to kind of be a Dear Abbey of the podcasting web. So I'm going to do some research, some writing, and record it with my USB headset. I think... I think it'll be a good thing. I hope. I'm inspired, and I hope it doesn't go to waste.

Okay, so apparently this has been going on for longer than I imagined. It all started, oh... last May when I graduated, I suppose. I was dumb and didn't get an internship. Not a smart idea, but I didn't know any better, and neither did anyone else in my family, really. Which, is understandable. My point - I failed to get a job. Period. Worst economic decline since the great depression and no one knows me. Not going to happen right away. On top of that, R/T/F is one of the TOP RANKING most difficult fields to break into. Now, okay, no big, Dad's fine, he understands, I'm trying my ass off. In comes Maryann, who doesn't pay attention to the news or the job market. We have tiffs on it back and forth, I understand, she wants me out, no big deal. I'm working my hardest to find a job with what little knowledge I have of the job field. Apparently in December she starts this whole bitch at Dad thing about a divorce. Didn't get him a birthday present (Dec 9) and then got him an Anniversary gift (Dec 15th I think). He hasn't touched the thing. Then in January, Lell and I are making dinner in the kitchen. She comes down and, bitchily, asks what's smoking? (Nothing's smoking, she just wanted in our business)So I go into the kitchen to make sure Maryann's not bothering Lell too much, and what is she doing but smoking a cigarette. So I ask her, 'Can you do that elsewhere? She's allergic, I don't want to have to take her to the hospital.' Not a big deal. But she give me this look. Like I'm just saying shit to get her out. I'm not, Lell's genuinely allergic. So I told her 'Man, it's not my fault you started smoking again.' She loses it. LOSES it. 'YOU NEED TO GET A JOB, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE, RWA RWA RWA'. Goes outside. Comes back in, and I quote, 'I'M GOING TO SMOKE IN HERE ANYWAY, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE HER TO THE GODDAMN HOSPITAL!'

Not cool. That's assault charge worthy. I reply 'Please don't, there's going to be problems if that happens'. (Mostly referring to her parents, partly referring to me punching her in the damn face at this point). She goes back outside. Dad comes home, they have their thing in her car. I take Lell home out of safety concern and forsake the dinner we bought. I come back and they're waiting for me in the kitchen saying 'we need to talk'. I came in and simply stated, 'I'm not talking to her until she gets some help.' Cause uh, she had really gone off the deep end, and she REALLY needed counseling. "KISS MY ASS" is what I got in return. Fine. This is war. Dad understands the situation. Doesn't say I'm wrong but doesn't say I'm right either. I clearly, CLEARLY express to him, all I want is an apology, and for the hell of it, I'll apologize too. But only AFTER she has done so first, because she needed to realize she was wrong in threatening the life of another unrelated party. Then, we'll talk, sort this out, and all will be well. Seriously. I want my step mother to be happy again, she just needs to bear with me at the moment.

Several months pass. No apology. She starts getting physically ILL with all the crap going on in her head, and I can SEE it. Her and Dad start having problems now. Dad starts making me get my things out of other parts of the house in preparation. Fine. I see this coming. They're separating. It's 20 years ago with my mother all over again. Sybil's come back to reign.

June. She complains of being dizzy, so Dad takes her to the hospital. Well, almost. She falls down and passes out in the yard, we have to call an ambulance. She gets shuttled there, they keep her, they 'find nothing wrong with her' OR 'she didn't bother to call them back'. I've heard her say both within an hour of each other.

Last night? Passes out again. Now, today I was particularly upset with her with how upset she made my father that day, saying that he didn't love her. Now I have to save her life even though I hate her? God damnit. So I call Dad twice, he doesn't answer, I call 911, and JUST as I'm on the phone with them? "Don't call them. I'm okay". No, no you're not. You need to get checked. "I'm just stressed." I don't care, this is affecting your physical health now. You need to go and get this fixed.

Half an hour later, Dad's home, she refuses a ride to the hospital like a dumb shit, and I'm sitting here just beside myself having tried to save the most ungrateful person in all of existence. She complains he doesn't love her, but she hasn't had to lift a finger to go to work in over 15 years. She hasn't had to worry about bills, about rent, nothing. And he doesn't love her? Not to mention no 'thanks for being concerned for me' or 'thanks for calling the ambulance when I passed out, you did the right thing'. No, DAD had to say that.

I'll grant you, she did a TON for me while I was being treated and deserves respect for that. But that is no excuse for such poor behavior. She's slowly declined and said a LOT of things to me that, well I'm sorry, you just shouldn't say them to a PTSD sufferer, especially with such a neglectful biological mother. And I haven't said a word to anyone other than Lell about those. Why burden EVERYONE with EVERYTHING? That's tarded, and loses friends.

I'm sorry folks, but this is how it is. I'm done with my step family. I've been called names, slung insults at, all for being honest and real. If this is how they want it, then so be it. It's war. And somehow, by having an opinion, I'm the goddamn cause of it now.
Bring it, I say.
Show me your goddamn honor. Show me your willingness to work things out, figure it out so there can be happy peace. I severely doubt you have the capacity, based on what you've said and on the past. Prove me wrong. Show me your honor and prove me wrong.
I'm waiting for that conversation, as I have been from the beginning.
(x-posted from Facebook)

Fuckin' ANGRY DOME. In my HEAD.
Whatevs. Is okay.

ANYWAY, premis of my last post - my parents are getting divorced. FINALLY. WOOOO!
I can finally be rid of that cold hearted selfish whore!

Anyway. I FINALLY found a job. I pump gas at the Wawa near my Dad's work now. Pay's decent, hours are decent, can't complain. Lots of free shit too. Hats, shirts, even got a free lunch bag and water bottle! Coool! The training sucked, Steve the fuel manager is kind of ass, but now it's over. So yay! Good job!

What else? Maryann's a bitch. Lell and I are getting along awesome. Other people are being dick (and people I wouldn't totally expect it from, close [or formerly close] male friends). And uh, yeah. Things are decent otherwise mostly. Just a lot of stress, both positive and negative, and my brain hurts from it.

So, I can't really talk about the premise of this post.
Regardless, I was doing some photo collecting the other night...
...I came upon the photos my father took when he got the house back from my mother. The photos that could have won him my full custody. The photos that could have saved my sanity. Now, they are a haunting.
But what are they? Well, various items. Mostly of messes left around the house. And not just, shit thrown somewhere, broken walls or glass, not the typical revenge shit. No, these are pictures of the filth the house was left in. Dirt and gunge everywhere. My toys just strewn about, and more importantly LEFT BEHIND. Then there's pictures of the family dog... losing his fur. A lot of it. As if he were on chemo. Why? Because he was starving. My mother hadn't fed him in weeks. The vet told my father to put him down. My father refused, and saved Buddy, and he lasted till he was what? 20? That dog was my first dog. That dog I now realize, along with my second Beau, would be a strong reflection of the rest of my life.

I'm tempted to take up lawsuit now. With these and my medical records of her neglecting the protocols of my chemotherapy treatment almost killing me, I feel I could get some retribution. But... that would mean facing her again. And her lies. I don't know if I could handle that...

*sigh*
I don't know how or who to express this to... because the people I did I felt like half of them... could care less, regardless of their connections with me.
This is a dark night indeed... And dark days to come...

You know, I keep wanting to make a very charged post about this and keep forgetting.
And now that I rememebred, I've lost the majority of my inspirational text.
Fail.

Other than -
Who the hell wants to hire a cripple who survived cancer? Why bother? God, all he is is underqualified. For everything. He can't lift, he can't do phsyical labor, and he needs training? Ugh.

Yeah, finding a job sucks. And I'm tired of being discriminated against. It's time I used my crippling to my advantage. (I usually don't tell people, I want to try and get in on good merit alone... apparently that's not enough.) Time to use affirmative action to my benefit, I suppose. Or at least try. Prolly fail at that too though. -.-

So yesterday, after another tribulation with the bully twins at home, I spent a good long day at Lell's. It was a really good, quiet, relaxing day. Spring has finally begun for me, I'm starting to come out of hibernation and heal the wounds taken over the Winter, and yesterday was a really, really good start. Cause, as most of you know, I got so stressed the other week I almost had a seizure. Serious shit.
Well today we had lots of long discussions in my educational psych course. Really good ones. And at the end of the class I got the opportunity to open up to my teacher and to tell her about my bullying problems at home. I told her all about my suspicions of having PTSD, how I deal with it, what it's been doing to me, and how the past few months have shaped up. It was seriously significant to have her agree with me that I'm not absolutly crazy about my thoughts about my parents (namely of my step mother being a bully and my father being a hardcore victim, and that when I defend myself my Dad becomes a bully because he feels insecure and weak) by her. Why? She's a certified psychologist. She worked with disturbed patients for a living. Thats how I learned I could trust her. And... ah, just the feeling... I feel so much better now that I know I'm not entirely wrong in this and that my upset feelings are there for a reason, not just lololdmemories. My Dad is disabling everything I'm working on by being the victim and letting her get away with the bullshit she's pulling. He CAN get out of it. He KNOWS that things need to end with her. And if he's reading this, which part of me hopes he is, all he needs to do is put his assets in my name and he can leave her without losing everything. He knows I am honorable and loyal to him because he's the one who raised me. The two females in my life have only bullied and abused me. It's him who I respect, love, and look up to for the hard work he's done for me. But by being the victim he's serverely limited himself in his parenting skills and in his capacity for sanity. Just this weekend the van broke down and he cancelled his long awaited trip to Cowtown with the guys. I offered him my car and even told him to listen for the squeaking, nailing two birds with one stone and he was all "QQ Noes, I hafta fix the car and provide for people that don't love me." Bullshit. He should've gone. We were BOTH telling him to go (even though Maryann was offering her car because she could 'take' mine, which, haha, no, not without my permission, and not without a remorseful apology for what you did in January). His victimization really brings us both down. And... It needs to end if he really wants to keep me together with him. If it doesn't I'm just going to drift away. I'm sure he doesn't want that.
I definately feel empowered. And more free than I did before.
She agrees that I need to get out of the house, yesterday. And I do. I'm working on it as quickly as possible, putting long-term plans into place for the next year or two that will gaurentee my getting out.
I feel productive.
I feel alive again.

*sigh*
I feel happy.
Let the righteous (and more importantly, reasonable and sane) retribution begin.

aannddd maayyybbeee I'll say maaayyybeeeeeeee.

xD

So, good things. Got inspiration from Fallout and FINALLY got a good base story/system down for the FGI LARP. I'm uber excited about it. It makes a lot of sense, is wide open for customization, and simplistic enough that anybody can pick it up and run.
Not only that, but anything you want to be - be it. Your human knight to your space orc to your cyborg spellcaster. I know, rite? Awesome!

I'm excited. n-n Hopefully we can start an audio thingy on the story of my new world soon and post it on the webbysite.

New icons. Yays.

Going back to school. Bullshit. Getting alt-certified to be a science/history teacher. Good classes though. Not tough, but project/paper heavy. Only two classes.
Hmmh. Still nobody hiring me. Plan to go to the Rat Tuesday after class and drop off a demo CD. Hopefully I'll get -something-.

Oh, and Maryann's still a bitch, and hasn't apologized.
Thusly, I have lost 10 pounds. Why? I won't go out and make food while she's in her domain. Because it's omg all hers. Good, take all the fuckin debt too.

Otherwise, things are okayish. Still working on getting a start on the comic, I can't seem to get the people I need together when I need them. =\ Hence the delay.

Also, ANGRYDOME. XD Makes me giggle.

There is official evidence that people are inherently good.

I was watching the new tonight, obviously about the inauguration. Officials said unofficially (shush I know) there were about 1.5 -million- people at the inauguration today. 1.5 million.

And not one related crime. At all.

It's funny though, Lell and I were talking and if you were an extremeist you could easily say that Obama looks like the Anti-Christ. xD Everyone's all blubbering all over him, he's uniting a TON of people, promoting world peace and all.
It was an amusing thought.

Regardless, I have high hopes for these next years, as I'm sure everyone else is reporting.
It will be my honor to continue to serve both you all and with you all not only with honor as a shaman, but with love and light as a paladin.
If there is anything you can ask of or need form me, do not hesitate to ask, as always. I will continue to go as far out of my way as I can spare for all of you and serve even more strongly in the spirit of compassion and honor.

LOOKIT AT WHAT I MADE!
http://darkmooncomics.blogspot.com/

Cause I'm awesome and all.
Gona try and update it once a week.

WoW Model Viewer was finally updated.

I can start my webcomic project now.
Stay tuned. n-n

So, yeah. I guess my last post was a bit harsh on her. But it did express a lot of the rage I've been feeling lately, and where it's come from.

*sigh* Lell's been trying to teach me forgiveness and I almost just shirked all my lessons. It's alright though...
I'm still getting out. I'm still not going to talk to her, but only for a period of time. I guess... she doesn't deserve my full rage. The thought of her now infuriates, but... she used to be someone decent.
Used to be.
And I guess she deserves some grace for that...

But she is still not past judgement! She still owes Lell and I a heartfelt apology. Period. I'm not bringing her or anyone else over at all until she does. Even then, I'll be reluctant to put anyone through more crap with them. She's also not going to take care of my kids. I don't like the way she's raising Kevin, and I just don't like the way she generally treats people. She's not a true Poling. She never has been and never will be. Polings know politeness and kindness, regardless of happenstance or prior condition. Sure, that excludes me from the group a little bit too, however I'm taking it to be my responsibility to make my children the way that Polings are supposed to be.

...It's okay to draw lines, but it's also better to make them somewhat flexible at points.
*sigh*

By the by, I haven't eaten all day. And I ate once all of yseterday. I won't go out to make anything though while she's out there. While she's awake this house is her domain, through no grace of mine, but through that of my father. And... I don't want to be in that domain. Ever. So I stay in my small area and suffer until I can get out. Gosh, I feel like a slavery or internment camp victim or something.
Fuck I'm hungry.
...It's okay.
I can take it.
Nothing I haven't dealt with before, ne? Thanks, chemo. You taught me to starve.

(You know, as a side note they NEVER asked me if I wanted to go through with the chemo. I really just wanted to die at that point of my life. They didn't even consider my opinion for a second there. Kind of annoying, you ask me. I mean granted, I'm thankful for my second chance NOW, but honestly I could've died then and been at peace. Just another indicator of how little they think. I wonder what else there is about me that they don't know...)

She hates me. He doesn't care. It's as simple as that, and it's always been that way, I've just been damn blind to it.
The past few months Maryann's gotten worse and worse with treating me like garbage. To a point, I can understand, the holidays and all stress her the hell out. Wonderful. But now...
Monday night I had Lell over. She was making dinner for us. Maryann was about to smoke right next to her. Now Lell has asthma and it's activated by cigarette smoke. So I went up and told her "don't do that here, she'll have a reaction and her asthma will go off and it won't be good." Not threatening, just saying, that's not going to be cool. All of a sudden it's a vebal slugfest about me getting a job. To the point that she marches in after marching otu and goes "I'm going to smoke in here anyway! I don't care if you have to bring her to the hospital!"
...No. No you fucking didn't.
"Don't do that. There's gona be problems if you do that, that's not cool."
"Oh yeah!? What kind of problems!?" She stomps out.
Push me. Push me more. You don't threraten people like that, especially innocents, and ESPECIALLY her.

Now, I've been thinking a lot since that night. And raging. But I've been trying to pin an exact source of the rage other than her threat, and I realized something very important.
About a month ago her and I had a talk about 'omg why do you rage about your mother still?' And I told her, she keeps trying to sneak into my life and all I want to do is forget her. Then she says the words she should've never told me.
"Well your father and I wrote her off a long time ago. I guess we're kind of guilty in that, but she doesn't bother us anymore, why don't you do that?"

...You what?
So you wrote her off. Okay. But to write her off in the way that you did - to the point that NOTHING she does effects you - you had to write me off too. You had to see the abuse that was being purpotrated on me and BLATENTLY IGNORE IT.
You've officially made yourself more guilty than my grandparents on her side.

There's no forgiveness now. There's nothing left in my soul but a burning rage for her. She refuses to see wha tproblems she caused and what other problems she ignored and refuses to try and make herself better. My father... doesn't care. I don't rage at him, he's earned his honor with me, but...

...I now need to get rid of Maryann like I did my mother. And I'll do whatever it takes to do so. I will never interact with that homewrecking, useless, unhealthy excuse for a pile of useless shit. She doesn't understand. She doesn't want to. She doesn't care. She cares only for herself and her old views. I'll not be your abuse taker any more you whore.

I'll risk everything, my whole future, to get out of here now. I'll get a dead-end 'traditional' job. I'll move in with... whomever will take me. Hell if I can afford it I'll get a studio apartment.

Thanks, Maryann.
You've given me a new source of rage.
...One I didn't need.

Started off like crap, I almost screwed Watkins out of a place to live and wound up with a seriously anti-social roommate.
Feb I fucked up. Let's just leave it at that, I'm NOT explaining in public. Just know I'm still, and probably will be remorseful for... decades.
Faire was crap, no one could find the LARP.
I started my stint with polyamorism which also promptly ended. Majority of poly people are dumb. I saw one, maybe two lights in poly. That's it.
Lell goes away to Disney Boot Camp. I miss her for 8 months.
April I get a call from my grandparents on my mother's side. It's cool-ish, but stresses me out because I know what I have to deal with if I'm to actually try again to be a part of that family, which did nothing wrong, but didn't do much right either. It's my mother who gets all the blame, not them.
May I graduate. No one I invite shows up. It rains, and is windy and cold. Our ceremony gets cut off for the next one to start. How nice.
I spend -all summer- looking fruitlessly for a job. -All- -Summer-.
July-ish into August I joined the Hill order, which is positive. Helped me get back on track. Also helped get Jerry a job, and that made me feel good.
August began the 6 month lead on from Pierre.
September I apeared on TV, which was cool.
October I get a letter from Cablevision bitching about downloading the episode. I also get led on -again- by someone else who shall remain nameless. Then I get a birthday card from my grandparents on my mother's side. A nice gesture. If it weren't for them sneaking in a $20 that had "Love, Mom" on it. Surprise! She's back in your life!
November. Yay Obama. Boo bi polar step family and Thanksgiving.
December. Oh, guess what? Your step mother's bi-polar! And it's her most stressful time of the year! And there's even MORE dealings with the bi polar step family! So many more I want to knife myself in the temples.
Lell comes back. Makes me so happy, I realize how miserable I am in my day-to-day life.

I'm sorry to be negative all the time, but seriously. Fuck you '08. I would've done just fine without you.
Happy fucking New Year. Now I get to remain anti-social in the bunker of my room because -again- my bi polar family is out in the other room. The minute I walked in, no hello, no how are you, no, it's "YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME". I can't walk into my own house?
Fuck you '08. Fuck you.
'09 unless you want an asskicking right from the start you'd better shape up.

(As a side notw: Sorry for all the negativity. I really should try and post positive things here more often, but I just can't find the time/drive/want to.)

What the fuck is wrong with her? Again!

So last week I'm musing over wha ti'm going to do for everyone for christmas since I'v emade everyone everything I can make already and still have -no- money to count for. So I decide, alright, I'll make everyone a special plate of cookies. I'll make my signature chocolate chip, I'll look up a recipe for Snicker Doodles since I love them, and I'll make my chocolate florentine cookies that everyone loves. Awesome. Little plates, it'll be really easy.

What has Maryann spent the last two days doing?
Baking. Among many other things, specifically Snicker Doodles and Chocolate Chip cookies.The only reason she hasn't made Florentines is because I wouldn't let her have the damn recipe.


...What the fuck? How low can you fucking go? Seriously!
You're hearing about this tomorrow. I can't take this anymore.

The test says so.

I know exactly why now.

They freak out reminiscent to my mother.
That's why I went into defensive rage last night.


...That's frightening.


Well, Happy Thanksgiving all. Hope yours is better than mine.
So many feathers torn out in such a small amount of time...

I hate my step sister Jenny. I hate her.
I hate my step mother too.
Why?
Because I've realized tonight - I've spent my life in fear of people like them. SPecifically you know who, the queen of all bitches. And they're not different. Anymore, at least. They're both bi-polar and think only of themselves.
I just... RRGH! I can't even begin to express the anger flowing through my body with words, only with a sword hacking it's way into a tree!

Okay, so I couldn't stand the headphones anymore. I had locked myself in my room and stuck the headphones on so I didn't have to deal with the wonder duo. So I turned on House and laid down. Whole episode, I'm quiet, no comments, whatever. I laugh once at the end of the episode. Once.
"RAA RAA RAA TURN IT DOWN I HATE YOU BLAH BLAH"

I>>> RAGE!!LK"JSF:OSIDF"

She starts shit tomorrow I'm telling her off. I'm not kidding.

I HATE THE GODDAMN HOLIDAYS IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN UNHEALTHY STUPID IGNORANT BLIGHTED CURSED UNHOLY HOUSE!!!!!

*sigh*
Tonight was the first night I've dug out my stones in years.
Didn't think I had stoned, did ya? Heh. Had mine enchanted by Mary, Hellenic Witch out in Lancaster PA. Powerful little fuckers. I barely even have to open the damn bag they're in and my ears ring like a phone off the hook. They're starting to diminish in power now, which is expected, but they still do the trick when necessary.

So yeah. I went to Nocrutne and for my first night I had an AWESOME time. Well worth it. However, due to the cold I had to leave. I paralyze in the cold and that's not good. I couldn't function more than 25 feet away from a fire. So I came home.
On my way home though... someone attacked me. In my head. Might have been a few people. Not sure. But I certianly felt it. They just dabbed a bit of poison in there that'd take any negative thought I had and just spread it like the plague. I was suddenly really emo about a lot of things. A lot of things I do have right to be emo about, but I've been mostly over and done with.
So I came home and got out my stones.
Feels a tad better now. Ears are still ringing, which means even though they're back in the bag they're still working.
Still, those roots of sad are there. Missing certian people, certian giggles, generally being lonely. I'll be alright. I could honestly use some good cuddle action at the moment, but I doubt my ability to get my hands on it. Paddington will suffice, as usual. Not a huge deal. But... it is there. It does suck a tad.

...And you know, I never was really into this energy/stones/pagan thing. This is just one of those rare moments where it helps. I felt like I was cut off from the voices of the elements and the spirits on my way home, and now that I am home I feel... significantly better. This is a good thing.

Oh well. Bed for me.
Remind me to write up my NY story that I promised a few entries ago. *nod nod*